A new year, a new decade and a time to reflect, for me anyway. Looking back on 2009 fills me with sadness. I find it hard to believe that this world has been without my mum for almost 10 months! I still can’t believe that she’s not going to walk through the door or be at the end of the phone when it rings. Very sadly, I now contemplate that if mum was still here I would still be in my home town. It’s all thanks to her that we are here now, in a place that we adore. Oh but what I would give to have her back

I now have much more time for reflection. If I was still working, I’d have gone back to work yesterday. It was then that it really struck home what I’ve actually done! Having worked for more than 20 years it’s quite strange being unemployed. I feel guilty at getting up late. I still think that I only have a limited amount of time to get jobs done. Years and years of having a time limit dictated by the school term! I’m getting my need for children’s company satisfied by all the babysitting we’re doing. Robyn is of the age that I love most….just coming up to 3. Such fun, such curiosity and like a little sponge lapping up everything going on around her. I love how she’s trying to assert her independence all the time, challenging me to come up with different strategies which make her think she’s still in control. I love how keen she is to learn new things and how easily she does!

Lastly a couple of photos to give you an idea of how it looks around here, more later. Bear in mind that for the last 40+ years, I’ve lived in the Fens, renowned for it’s flatness….even a mole hill looked out of place! Now, I can look out of my window and see this…….bliss!

down our lane

Hmmm, not sure if there’s anyone left out there after deserting the place for months! My excuse is quite good though….we have finally moved, from the east of England to the south west….Dorset to be exact. A major move, particularly on my part, having lived all my life (I won’t disclose how many years!) in the totally flat Fens, we now look out to rolling hills and a valley just down the road! We arrived the Saturday before Christmas and have spent a large part of the time unpacking and babysitting as it’s right here that our grandchildren live . So wonderful to be able to help out as often as possible as our daughter and son-in-law are very busy people managing a highly popular pub in the town.

We both gave up our jobs to come here and will be looking for something new in a couple of months time. It was a heart wrenching time saying goodbye to people who I’d worked with for up to 20 years….and also my beloved class who had done so well in their first term at school.

Enough for now, but I will be back, with photos of our new home when I have more time…..still much to do!

Yes, Dave was blown away by Les Mis just like I was all those years ago. Isn’t it one of life’s supreme pleasures when you see a loved one enjoy something you’ve banged on about for years?? I bought the Les Mis CD and he’s been playing it in the car ever since

Something I’ve always wanted to do (even though I know London really well, having spent 3 years close by when I was training to be a teacher) is to take a ride on one of the open top buses. So that’s what we did! We were lucky with the weather, no rain, thank goodness. The bus ride took about five hours, much longer than we were expecting and it scuppered our plans to go to London Zoo but we didn’t mind. I was fascinated to see and hear about lesser known parts of London such as birth places of famous people, wealthiest parts of London etc. Best of all though was seeing all those iconic landmarks. I can’t think of another city in the world that has quite as many as London does (well, maybe Paris?!). here’s a few of them:

We had a wonderful weekend all in all and came home to find our two dogs thrilled to see us (a friend had dog sat for us). Unfortunately just before we went to bed we discovered a leak coming from the cold water tank which is housed in the loft. What followed turned into a total nightmare! I won’t go into details as it’s a long story, suffice to say that we were left with no water for three days by an ill chosen bunch of cowboys. Eventually we were rescued by a thoroughly decent, expert plumber on the 4th day and now everything is back to normal!

We had a day in Cambridge to cheer ourselves up the next day and it did the trick. Lunch in the fab Giraffe restaurant and a good browse around the wonderful shops were just what the doctor ordered! I fell in love with a beautiful Monsoon dress but didn’t buy it. When I got home I kept thinking about it (how often have I done that?!) and ended up ordering it online….it arrived today and is BEAUTIFUL!

It had been a while since I’d walked the streets of London so it was with excitement and a little trepidation that we set off on our anniversary weekend. I needn’t have worried, everything was mostly how I’d left it with a few changes here and there. On arrival (by train) we easily found our hotel aided by the brilliant apps on my iPhone including a sat nav!  The room and the hotel were as plush and posh as we’d hoped and in the lovely area of South Kensington. A quick drink and we were ready to explore but as it was a Friday afternoon we decided not to venture onto the very hot and even busier tube trains and caught one of the frequent buses just outside the hotel. I’ve always preferred travelling by bus in London, you see so much more and anyway, I’ve never been keen on the underground…..not good for someone who has a tendency to claustrophobia!

As Dave had never been to Harrods and as we were very close, that’s where we went. We only saw a fraction of of the departments but we chose probably the most spectacular…the food halls (of course!) and the luxury gift rooms. My eyes were on stalks looking at the Cartier, Tiffany, De Beers etc jewels and Dave’s were on stalks looking at the astonishing array of fish in the errrrrrr fish department (was trying to think of another word for that!). Here’s a few pics: the hotel, a Chanel window display at Harrods, a sumptuous Marc Jacobs bag and one of the food halls.

Unfortunately we didn’t get time to see more as we needed to get back to the hotel to get ready for our theatre trip. Have to admit to a little apprehension at this point as, after building up the show we were going to see for the last nine years, and finally getting Dave to agree to go, the moment was soon to arrive…..would he fall in love with Les Miserables just as I did 20 years ago????

More to follow……

…..and I’m hoping that now I’m back my posts will be rather more regular. After the last few months it’s been horribly difficult to put my fingers to the keyboard and write about my life, such as it is. What a year it’s been and it occurred to me that in 1999 life changing events also happened…..clearly years ending in a 9 are momentous in my life as I was married to my first husband in 1979!

I ended my last post by saying that I didn’t think it would be long before we moved on to pastures new. Not just to a new house but to the other end of the country. Well almost! No we haven’t done it yet but it’s planned for December/January depending on when I can leave my job. We’re moving 250 miles away to Dorset where Dave’s daughter and grandchildren live and it can’t come soon enough! We spent last week down there, looking at cottages to rent which just made us even more eager to get down there. It’s something we’ve been keen to do for years but while my mum was alive, it was not an option as I needed to be here for her. I’ll be moving further away from my son and my brother but I’m hoping that I’ll actually see more of them as when they come to stay it’ll be for days at a time rather than the few hours we get at the moment.

A major reason for our move is to get away from where we are at the moment. Being burgled was the last straw. England is certainly not the place it was but our town has changed beyond recognition. Last week, walking around the town we’re moving to, was a delightful experience which I’m sad to say is the direct opposite of what it’s like here. I’ve lived here all my life and I know I’ll have no regrets whatsoever.  I’ll be putting my name down on the supply teacher list and Dave already has a job in the offing.

As it’s our first wedding anniversary on Friday we’re treating ourselves to a weekend in London. We’ve booked a rather plush hotel in Kensington and are off to see Les Miserables on our special night. Les Mis is my absolute most favourite show of all time. I last saw it about 15 years ago and cannot wait to see Dave’s reaction when he sees it for the first time! Then on Saturday we’re going to London Zoo as we both love zoos and, again,  it’s been many years since I last went. On Saturday night we’re hoping to see the film of one of my top 5 books The Time Traveller’s Wife. My mum lent me it to read when we went to Scotland last year. It’s a magical book and I remember mum’s excitement when I told her that a film was being made of it. It was originally supposed to be coming out on Boxing Day 2008 but for some reason was delayed to August 14th (our wedding anniversary!). It makes me so sad though that my mum never got to see it.

After much soul searching, my brother and I decided to put mum’s house up for sale a few weeks ago. It had been our home from when we were 9 and 11 respectively. The house was built for us so had only ever had our family living in it. After our dad died, mum did miraculous things with the garden and up until her death it was a joy to behold. It broke my heart to see it starting to get untidy after all the time she spent on it. For that reason, and also because it was costing us money to keep it empty, with heavy hearts we made the decision. We weren’t terribly optimistic about it selling but unbelievably it was sold in less than 24 hours! The sale was agreed on 12th July and the new owners moved in last week on 6th August! What a terribly sad time it’e been though as we’ve had to be so ruthless with what we kept and what we either sold or left for house clearance people to take. Neither my brother or I have the space for a lot of the things we would have liked to keep. Friends of my mum’s have taken some things and I know mum would have been really pleased about that. Anyway, here’s some photos of her beautiful garden:

Apparently small crime like this is very much on the rise. Our country is becoming awash with scum who feel it’s their right to break into someone’s house and take whatever they fancy, never mind that the owner of those goods worked hard to acquire them. (Never mind that this particular owner of those goods may have been through some traumatic times without all this!)

I feel differently about my house now, it no longer feels like a safe and cosy haven. We’ve done our best to secure it better this weekend by adding padlocks to the garden gate and putting net curtains up so noone can see inside. It will take more than this though and I don’t think it’ll be long before we make a move to pastures new.

I’ll be amazed if there are many responses to this post after neglecting my blog for quite some time now. Not only mine but other people’s also, it’s been hard to summon up any enthusiasm to be honest. However as I’ve titled this entry, life does go on. My life without my mum has stretched to almost two months now – unbelievable. I have some unanswered questions regarding her death, which I need to pursue with her doctor. It’s something I have to do even though I know nothing can be changed.

Something I haven’t mentioned but which could have been just as life changing as losing my mum, was Dave being taken seriously ill seven weeks ago. At 1.30 am, just eight days after mum died, I found myself sitting just around the corner from the room my mum had died in. This time we’d arrived there by ambulance as Dave had developed peritonitis, a life threatening condition which is a risk he takes all the time with the kind of dialysis he does. Anyway, very long story short, he was eventually rushed to Addenbrookes hospital in Cambridge where they saved his life and I got him home after a week of incredible stress.

On to happier things, Dave is well recovered now and this weekend he’s busy doing a three day Game Fair in Lincolnshire. I helped him yesterday and will again tomorrow. It’s great fun! We have a stall selling Elgood’s beer (real ale) giving out samples and co-ercing people into buying it!

I finally returned to school two weeks ago after six weeks off work. I won’t pretend it’s been ok as it hasn’t a lot of the time. A more tricky class would be hard to find and all I can say is roll on July…and then September when I get a new class!

Finally a few photos, the first a wonderful surprise I received from my oh so talented friend Sadie. The sweetest little cushion which I will always treasure for reasons which only Sadie and I know about The second, a photo of our darling grandchildren taken in the cottage we stayed in in Dorset over Easter. Then there’s a pic of Dave manning our beer stall and last of all the reason why I’m feeling so broody at the moment!! The cutest little spaniel pup at the show yesterday, 13 weeks old, I’m in love!!

Mum’s funeral took place on the 25th. I had chosen three pieces of music to be played along with two hymns to be sung. All were pieces that mum loved: ‘Sanctus’ and ‘May the Road Rise Up’ by Libera and ‘Blue in Blue’ by Patrick Hawes and all are choral. The acoustics in the church played them at their best. My brother was extraordinarily brave and stood up to talk about our mum in such a touching and moving way.The words he read out at the end moved everyone to tears….I have included them at the end of this post.

It’s actually incredibly hard to put into words what it’s like to lose your mum. She was the anchor to my past. I’ve spent many hours going through the 100’s of photos she’d collected over the years, lots going back to before she was born. I’d seen them many times before but it’s not until now that I’ve really come to value them.  So many questions I’d like to ask about them with no one to ask. I’ll finish this post with three although only one of them is actually old. Hold the mouse over to read what I’ve said about them.

You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

One day mum was here, chatting on the phone with me about school which she always took a great interest in, about Tom, her only grandson who she loved dearly, about a myriad of things we both had a mutual interest in. The next day she was gone, never to be conversed with again. She was never ill. She was a very youthful 73 with so much left to do. She hadn’t finished with life.

I miss her so.